The only bit of hope I'll ever have to get the old me and you back.

No one knows me better than my boyfriend. He's my best friend. And it's been the same for almost 9 months.

Last year I didn't know why we had broken up in the first place and I still don't get the answer.

But, what sucks more is knowing it's coming to you. First the less texting, no calling, and then ignore your cute posts on the internet or forget to say I love you when saying goodnight or bye. 

He's been gone all summer  (It feels that way) and it's been really distant and very um... like so much "tension".

I feel as if he hates me or something.. I feel like such a loser trying to talk to him when all he does is let his phone off now a days..

I really have no where else to vent or talk to about this but, here.

Hoping a internet god can save me from this nightmare I call "Loneliness".

I know I can't forcibly make him stay but, I didn't put up a fight the last time and we both agreed (On MANY accounts) that we never wanted to go through that or ever talk about that again.

But...what else can a girl do? I mean you can't just say one thing and do the other? I mean I can forgive but, NOT forget. It's like a constant paranoia that I'm just going to be left alone again.

That summer was the most terrible time of my life. I suffered from depression and I literally had NO one to talk to and the only person I wanted to talk to was Luis. But, I couldn't.. I'd try despite the number of times he'd ignore me. I found a way to cope from my sadness from other guys. Every single time I looked at his face I thought of yours.

You were all in my mind and you were all I could cry about to my mom. She'd say "He'll come back..don't worry." Well mama sure knows best.

Yeah Yeah I know you heard this many times before but it's true.

After all those long and what seemed hopeless 6 months. My 11 wish had came true. 

I honestly couldn't believe how happy I was holding his hands with him again. I was even glowing!

I honestly truly think we are made for each other. The birth marks come in too, lol.

I love my best friend. We laugh about the same things, talk about the same things, talk about people (lol going to haides), listen to each other, and connect on so many levels beyond any other relationship in the world. All my secrets are his now. 

I remember always on my bed and watching movies, wrestling naked, playing wii and so many many more memories we had.. He even gave me a cat, who is the devil but, no one has ever done that for me!!

I remember waking up to you the next morning and just picturing how cute you looked and how it's going got be when we're old and we could actually wake up next to each other in our own bed.

I imagined us being the most perfect couple and that every one I knew would envy the relationship I had and thought they could find someone that can actually be a soul mate or or even made for them.

But, sadly there was another part of me who held back from saying the things that were needed to be said and asked.

The only reason I am jealous of "T" & "I" is because, I never told you this but, when I was "creeping" on you I noticed a wall post saying you had watched a movie with "T".

We watched Thankskilling.

I know it's kind of over dramatic but, I tend to think she can steal you away.

And "I" I recall you calling her your best friend. 

I used to drop the "Best friends end up liking each other" at times to see if you'd notice.

I come to realize I was over thinking. And if they could have had you.. you wouldn't be with me.

And I remember when I wasn't with you, I wouldn't worry because, you could have had their chance with you but, you didn't. It was a relief knowing I could have had mine. I'm sorry.

I never told you how stupid I felt after EVERY single argument we had. I could have listened to you the first time. If I didn't do the same for you what makes ME think you'll do that for me. For that I'm sorry.

The reason why I got sad over every time we had to say goodbye is because, I was hoping that one day you'll say you'll be eager to see me the next day. I wanted a phone call also because, you always made me smile ten times bigger when we did. We talked about our childhood and funny things that made me love you more than I did before. I'm sorry for not shutting my mouth when it's need to be.

Another thing.. I feel horrible and worst about is not showing you how much I appreciate you when I should have. I hope you know I pay attention to every single string you play when you play for me. I know every one of your songs. I know other bands you like too but, I always get stupid and afraid you'll make fun of me for mistaking one band's name for another or a song. lol I am not really a pro at understanding some words to the metal (\m/) stuff you listen too. I love that you're in a band and that you have dreams for yourself. And I feel as if I hold you back when I get sad that you're leaving. I'm sorry for that. It gets easier for me to know that you'll come back. And that you have fun doing what you do. I don't mean to oppose that. I am truly sorry for that. I understand that we have to be far away at time but, we don't need to be distant emotionally.

I don't want you to be anyone else's, I don't want to be anyone's.

If you're not anyone's or even mine I wouldn't be okay with that. 

We talked about everything and ever since you been on tour we've been fighting a lot and I know it's mostly my fault. And I just want you to that I still love you. No matter what has happened in the past that has been bad that has led us to ugly fights. I can still talk to you about anything. I used to make you forget the bad things, but then I forgot how to do that when I started to make the bad things worse. I hope you can let me try to do that again.. 

I am not going to waste almost 9 months out of this whole year I've known the long hair boy who was shy as heck go to waste when we have so many many more years and memories to go.

I know this isn't a persuasive letter or anything to make you stay but, I just wanted to let this all out to you before you come over. And talk to me about things. I know I shouldn't think this but, 

And I honestly will be broken if you'd leave. I wouldn't look at you the same anymore. You'd be a totally different person if I saw you walk right out my door saying you're sorry and have me not knowing what else to do but cry over you.

But, just know that I love you. And ONLY you.

It's always been only you. And I need you more than ever.

When you do. I'm just a walk away to the play ground hoping you'll meet me there to be with me.

"And I can feel your love, your strength is all I will ever need."

This is long, I'm not sorry I'm a sucker for love.

Or for loving you as much as I do.