What's been stuck in my head

My love for Lana Del Rey and Marina & The Diamonds have grown so much. ♥__♥

I have them playing on repeat, and I plan on doing a cover of one of their songs or just one since I'm a pansy. :-)

Their music is relatable and sometimes puts me in different moods.

Like Marina helps me be a player like in this song haha .

But I came across this band which I  fell inlove with, this is my favorite song by them. *o*

I guess I can relate but, it's so sad. And I used to jam to this while on C's, I felt like shit lol.

Shows I NEED to see is TSSF, and UABB though!

I haven't been to shows lately, I'm slacking bad and I can't miss out!

Here's my favorite song by TSSF :)

Oh and I also have an urge to get shit faced while jamming to UABB, I hope I'm not the only one though lol.

Kinda Outta Luck

It's been way to long since I had my hands came across this keyboard.
A LOT has  happened since September, and It's sad to say it's not been going too great for me so, I'll break it down into shorten paragraphs.

I been slipping into my old habits and it got me into trouble in late November  which got me sent to Alternative. BUT, before I had my hearing, I tempted to take my life again, and I was sent to Laurel Ridge for a week. It changed my life and perspective on everything. I know I may seem like a case of an attention seeking little girl but, all I can just tell those who constantly criticize anybody with something like depression or anxiety or anything really, just to fuck you. You're never gonna really know how it feels but, understand where that person is coming from. And I'm really appreciate the best of friends and family I have, they have been supporting me through it all.

So, I'm trying my best to go through life at baby steps starting off by fixing my shit together. My school situation is pretty b s though. -.-
I really like alternative  phaha suprise. My guy friends  I met there are so down and funny, I laughed at every conversation I had there. x) And I miss it, my friend had gaven me a cute square for leaving as a "gift". xD
I started John Jay this monday and let me tell you how terrible it was,

1st. I got lost because, the couseler told me to go to my 5th period instead of my 3rd. -.-
I ask a teacher where my cosmo class was and he just stared at me and walked away.
I get to my cosmo class and I honestly don't feel welcomed at all, the girls give a "Ew who's this bitch." vibe, The place it small and extremely small. I give Mrs. Lopez at Holmes props for giving me a hell of a great time there because, I MISS it there. ;~; The girls are like a bunch if REgina Georges, minus the popularity. /but, they do have that cadyness to their attitude. I can tell I'm not going to stay there any longer.
The dumb ass teacher also signed up too many girls to clock in there hours, and tells everyone some girls are getting kicked out next year. What's the point in staying right?
I really wanna get back into Theater 3, I had soo much fun in that elective. And I really don't want a career in cosmo, anymore. I want to be a music therapist like the ones at the hospital. :)
My math teacher is litterally some character that is out of a cartoon show, his looks well.
I can't understand a word he says. But, I met a friend from my spanish class last year and she showed me my classes and ate lunch with me. :)

I felt like Cady Heron lmfao.

My science class I met a girl who told me how everyone in cosmo fucked up her life once she got there too and how the girls are evil. .______. THANKS FOR THE WARNING. I was crashing out while watching the ghetto tv video.
My Us History was good atleast, the teacher is so grool there he let some students walk to the dollar general and told them to bring him a big red, we watched the Simpsons after our worksheet. Oh and this dude gave me air head, the nicest thing anybody at the school ever offered me. c':
English, the teacher was just tired of the class and tells me "You're not going to learn anything in this class because, it's so obnoxious and loud. Oh by the way I HATE the sound of anybody smacking their gum. So, I got really ticked off and tried to sleep. -.-
After school you bet I rushed out of there.

Well, today was my second day but, instead my lovely mother let me sleep in. I missed my therapy session but, I managed to get my application from Southwest Prep. They said I get a meeting on Monday. :}
I'm excited ccccccccccc:
I'm going to try to update this lately for myself and anyone on the interwebs who stalks me. :-)

♥

oh yeah here's me again, except I look funky with my bangs up.

Lately

I been neglecting my blog for a long while now and I thought at 8 in the morning laying next to Melinda and Kip would be a good time. My laptop is literally tearing in half, it sucks that I can't charge it without having to almost close it. ._.

I recently got glasses so, I look like a dork now. :-)

I already got used to my classes, and I actually really enjoy school. :) I am not shy anymore and the teachers already know me. I am not passing math and I think Physics thought. I freaking SUCK at math. My teacher's name sounds like "Mango" and she talks to everyone like we're a kindergarten class.
And I swore my Physics teacher said "I just took a shit" when they were talking about twitter. o___o
By the way, apparently no one has ever seen someone wear black lipstick. Almost everyone gave me a stare while I wore it. '-'
I STILL wanna meet this girl who is "fan girling" me at school, well I know who she is... but, Ima meet her and hug her. c:
Sooooo, I had a journal I would write EVERYTHING (Secrets and such) and I lost it at lunch, I'm still wondering who's reading them.. It has soo much stuff on there. D;
I have a "Aaron Samuels" (His nickname) this year, and oh boy let me tell you. It's grool. I just hope it doesn't end up like the movie did...
I'm so terrified of getting in a relationship and deal with the heartache of it all. Since my last relationship was based on lies. I am too scared to love someone.
I think it's best to start off slow, best friends and lovers is the greatest type of relationship out there, and rushing something is the wrong way to go. :)
Also, one thing.. don't lead anyone on just because, you like the attention. It gives you a whole lot of guilt on your shoulders. Trust me. :| I didn't try to lead them on, I just ended up not liking that person? Coming off too strong can do a lot of damage. Oh well that's another short chapter in my book that seriously needs to be shredded pronto.

On a good note I learned a lot of braids in Cosmo and I think everyone is getting along now. I accidently shooted the water shooter thing from the shampooing sink and wet me like twice. How embarrassing. No one is letting me give them Cornrolls though. -___- I can't wait to put my name on  a station and get my own manican. {:
I wanna join competition but, I have no crazy Idea of what to do, I want a princess theme or-or something no one has done before? Hmm well I have time to look it up on tumblr. Which you should follow me because, I barley started to get it going again, and I have like no followers, and I really need people to follow back.  http://ifancyouxx.tumblr.com/


I dred going to school sober, I can't concentrate and I like blocking out the bad vibes and people's negativity. I have to go through withdrawls do to the fact  I actually care about my liver. But, I'm going to be sooo frustrated. :|

My life has been pretty hectic and I stay away from the internet more often than I did during the summer.
By the way, I fell in love with Lana Del Rey, I love everything about her: Her voice, music and style is so beautiful. :'')

And I don't look mean right? Lately I been told that, and I always wondered why some people don't talk to me. I am nice people. -.- I need new people to talk to, so whoever reads this: I love you & go message me. n__n

Today

I'm already used to my classes by now but, yet I hardly talk to anybody in them. Except cosmo, I love that class. I can tell who I'm going to get closer to this year. I am scared they'll drop that class for me because, I don't have my health/speech maybe if I get apex again? Well, enough of that boring chizz.

I hate hearing an answer even though I need to hear it, but like what if it's not the one you wanna hear?..
I am stubborn as heck so, I can't take rejection that well. It takes a lot for me to just give up on something I really want.
I just don't want you to forget us.

School Is For Chumps.

How relived am I to have gone through my first two days of school. I think being a Junior will be my best year yet. Besides well one thing. asdfgkl I'll just save THAT for another bawling eyes dramatic post, haha.
I always get nervous on the first day for some reason? Melinda and I were panicking on how bad we needed to poop and throw up on the way getting dropped off. ;~;
I barley have any friends in any of my core classes, oh well at least I know I'm going to be doing my work now. I hate math soooooooooooooo bad, I dred going there EVERYDAY for the next nine months.
Cosmo is going to be fun though. :}

Today at lunch I was by myself, I went to the libary, and ugly cried alone in the bathroom. ;~;
I need Brittany there... lol
I know I'm going to sound like a girl but, I don't wanna look like a hobo all school year so, I'm just going to look at least presentable. (-';
I need a new school id, I look like freaking Liza Minnelli or SHREK on my old one. And my off campus a pass so I can be a fat lard at lunch.
I hate the new portables, they're ghetto as hell, and it takes forever walking all the way there. My teachers seem cool though, they're all laid back or push overs.

On other topics, I seriously wish I can take my own advice.
I hate the feeling of being used or getting lead on. F. M. L.

Happily Never After

Break ups are never easy nor great well for me. How can it be easy for someone you once loved to become best friend/lovers to complete strangers? I keep thinking about every single memory, moment, and it makes me think: every time they're was bad times or fights, it should have been another blissful memory to add to more. But, after every argument I realized how great I had it. I guess. I took it for granted.
I sound weak and pathetic I know but, I just can't help but, love the boy.
EVERY FUCKING LOVE SONG MAKES ME WANT TO KILL A LAMB.
I shall not cave on. Thus I am preoccupied with my keyboard :-)

I KNOW partying, changes someone..
Believe ME. It's not what you want, I didn't wanna put you on a collar or a pedestal. Just to help.. getting pushed away hurts. People can change through time good or bad.
It's only those who are just letting them can see it. 

"Time" is equivalent to "I'm going to find another because, I don't want you in my life anymore."

The feelings you have for someone isn't based on age, yes we're all young but, while we still don't got wrinkles, you can grow up together. Everyone is the one until proven otherwise, right? I am about to lose hope and accept this but, I can't.. that's weird.
So, yeah I'm sad. Yes I'm going to say I'm fine. I don't need pity. Just don't talk about it.

I just need to get over it.

Long time no blog.

I haven't really posted anything really because, my internet decides to shut off randomly. ;~;

 Like life's been so tedious, nothing to look forward to or be happy about anymore..

I went to orientation today and I felt really uncomfortable. And it didn't help that Luis kept telling me "You're thinking about it too much." -____- I always get a weird sickness feeling in my tummy not because, I am nervous. Because, I REALLY REALLY don't wanna be at school. I always had the lunch all my friends don't have literally, I am scared that I won't be close to my friends this year which sucks because, I suck at keeping touch. Aaaaand replying. I hate when my mom stalls, I go shopping for school like a week before school even starts and I hardly find any cute stuff. ;~;I always get the "Ghetto" annoying kids in my classes, the kind that call each other "HEY BEST FRIEND!" or talk back to anything that talks to IT. I can go on and on about my shitty school but, it's not so bad. Well minus the teachers who hate me, the kids who I hate, and the crappy food. It's pretty fun, this time I don't  need to squeeze my ass through a gate to go off campus for lunch. :-)

• I have Physics first, which will diffidently put me to sleep.
• Then English but, I really like that subject.
•  Algebra 2 will suck. I am terrible at math, I passed my math taks right on point. Thank based god.
• Lunch will probably be boring? But, I got my off campus pass so, cool.
• Us history would be easy.
• Then the rest of my day during Cosmo should be something to look forward to. :}

I just hope I won't be a loner boner in some of my classes; It's tough living the thug life.

On another note t he new episode of Awkward was suspenseful, Matty is a cute whore, Jenna is an idiot, Jake needs to come to his senses, Jenna's mom needs to go back to her hot husband, and Tamera is smart :}

Oh and I recently enjoyed a good time to buy me new makeup from Sephora, although it was pricey it was money well spent.

The Lipstick tastes good and even though I look goth I love it. ♥_♥

Oh and kip has gotten so big {:

I never thought anyone could ever be as careless and so true to what you tell someone, maybe even someone you love till I recently been told I don't make a difference in someone's life; "I basically can't make you happy anymore." practically. I'm not to sure if anybody has noticed but I get butt hurt REALLY easily. I'm a sensitive person. Even though it's really hard to get me to be mean, I can't really try to hurt anyone's feelings without feeling bad later. So, I took that to the heart and even though you may be going through a hard time you can't just tell me that and expect me not to over analyze things about myself. Maybe I'm not cut out to make someone happy? -I don't know what to do and honestly I freak out on loosing people to someone who can actually give them good advice or someone who can make them feel happy, even friend wise. I think waaaaaay too much when I'm by myself. 

Well, I think that covers some what I wanted to post these past days? By the way the only way to keep in contact with me is stupid Facebook now. ;~;

Boys suck

I think being straight up about your feelings for someone or if something bothers you, you should really tell/ask them exactly what you wanna know even if the answer isn't something you wanna hear.
You either ARE or NOT with that person. You can't just be all lovey dovey and kiss and such if you don't have feelings for them and you don't wanna be together. Like you're leading them on! Or if you're the person who is confused about what you and another person you really like are; you need to DTR. "Define the relationship" (omg awkward quote) because, you're just wasting your time on somebody who knows they have the availability to toss your heart around like dice. I don't know if it's just me but, the reason why I say to never kiss anyone you're not with  that you DO have feelings for is because, once you kiss them you just think "Oh he/she's mine!" when really nothing is official yet. And maybe it's just a fling for them?
If they're confused too then they aren't sure what they want; If they really wanted to be with you it wouldn't be considered it would a right away yes.
And when you do get your answer make sure it's a yes or no, people tend to change the meaning of a "I don't know" to "Oh my gerrrrrsh he/she Luvs me! :-)))))"
And to me there is no such thing as "Taking a break" or "It's complicated" either you're in a relationship or not. Don't waste your time on someone who is really convincing or they aren't afraid of losing you if that's what they result to for anything.

Don't beat around the bush because, you might be believing in something that really isn't there at all. & there is no such thing as fairy tales.

My eye problem :(

Well I found the source to my swollen bottom eyelid. I always applied it on my top eyelid. And I haven't worn it on the bottom in  year and I guess it hates it. *~'

Kip's eyes were crusty all day yesterday so.. I'm not sure what he had was contagious. 

By the way eye drops are so hard to put in your eye without looking like you're crying. 

Yup, only I would get sick in the summer. Fml.

~__~

When ever your girlfriend/boyfriend says we need to "talk", is the worse feeling ever until you actually have it. Like my heart is non stop beating super fast, I cry, and I assume the absolute worse.
Anyways, after a long sad week I am finally REALLY happy. Luis and I are suuuper great now c":
I don't know what to get him for his birthday though.. but, I gave him a acoustic guitar I rarely used? Oh well, he likes it.
Welp ;~;
My left eye and back are killing me. I need doctor mario to help me.

My cat is sick. I feel soo terrible. He threw up this morning, and he was actually getting better. But, now his eyes are red and watery. ); I think it's because, he lives in my room and it's literally freezing. I wanna go to the vet but, that stuff is so much damn $$$$$. I need a job so, I can provide for my family of two. (Kip & I)
I HATE grouchy people. I mean I know everyone has their mood swings and all. Like I can get abit cranky now and them. But, when you're really calm and talking to someone all of a sudden bash at you with all these bad words and harsh tone of voice, it just annoys the fuck outa me. 


Omg Luis bought me a box of Fruit Roll-Ups today, guys..it's real...it's real. ♥_♥

The only bit of hope I'll ever have to get the old me and you back.

No one knows me better than my boyfriend. He's my best friend. And it's been the same for almost 9 months.

Last year I didn't know why we had broken up in the first place and I still don't get the answer.

But, what sucks more is knowing it's coming to you. First the less texting, no calling, and then ignore your cute posts on the internet or forget to say I love you when saying goodnight or bye. 

He's been gone all summer  (It feels that way) and it's been really distant and very um... like so much "tension".

I feel as if he hates me or something.. I feel like such a loser trying to talk to him when all he does is let his phone off now a days..

I really have no where else to vent or talk to about this but, here.

Hoping a internet god can save me from this nightmare I call "Loneliness".

I know I can't forcibly make him stay but, I didn't put up a fight the last time and we both agreed (On MANY accounts) that we never wanted to go through that or ever talk about that again.

But...what else can a girl do? I mean you can't just say one thing and do the other? I mean I can forgive but, NOT forget. It's like a constant paranoia that I'm just going to be left alone again.

That summer was the most terrible time of my life. I suffered from depression and I literally had NO one to talk to and the only person I wanted to talk to was Luis. But, I couldn't.. I'd try despite the number of times he'd ignore me. I found a way to cope from my sadness from other guys. Every single time I looked at his face I thought of yours.

You were all in my mind and you were all I could cry about to my mom. She'd say "He'll come back..don't worry." Well mama sure knows best.

Yeah Yeah I know you heard this many times before but it's true.

After all those long and what seemed hopeless 6 months. My 11 wish had came true. 

I honestly couldn't believe how happy I was holding his hands with him again. I was even glowing!

I honestly truly think we are made for each other. The birth marks come in too, lol.

I love my best friend. We laugh about the same things, talk about the same things, talk about people (lol going to haides), listen to each other, and connect on so many levels beyond any other relationship in the world. All my secrets are his now. 

I remember always on my bed and watching movies, wrestling naked, playing wii and so many many more memories we had.. He even gave me a cat, who is the devil but, no one has ever done that for me!!

I remember waking up to you the next morning and just picturing how cute you looked and how it's going got be when we're old and we could actually wake up next to each other in our own bed.

I imagined us being the most perfect couple and that every one I knew would envy the relationship I had and thought they could find someone that can actually be a soul mate or or even made for them.

But, sadly there was another part of me who held back from saying the things that were needed to be said and asked.

The only reason I am jealous of "T" & "I" is because, I never told you this but, when I was "creeping" on you I noticed a wall post saying you had watched a movie with "T".

We watched Thankskilling.

I know it's kind of over dramatic but, I tend to think she can steal you away.

And "I" I recall you calling her your best friend. 

I used to drop the "Best friends end up liking each other" at times to see if you'd notice.

I come to realize I was over thinking. And if they could have had you.. you wouldn't be with me.

And I remember when I wasn't with you, I wouldn't worry because, you could have had their chance with you but, you didn't. It was a relief knowing I could have had mine. I'm sorry.

I never told you how stupid I felt after EVERY single argument we had. I could have listened to you the first time. If I didn't do the same for you what makes ME think you'll do that for me. For that I'm sorry.

The reason why I got sad over every time we had to say goodbye is because, I was hoping that one day you'll say you'll be eager to see me the next day. I wanted a phone call also because, you always made me smile ten times bigger when we did. We talked about our childhood and funny things that made me love you more than I did before. I'm sorry for not shutting my mouth when it's need to be.

Another thing.. I feel horrible and worst about is not showing you how much I appreciate you when I should have. I hope you know I pay attention to every single string you play when you play for me. I know every one of your songs. I know other bands you like too but, I always get stupid and afraid you'll make fun of me for mistaking one band's name for another or a song. lol I am not really a pro at understanding some words to the metal (\m/) stuff you listen too. I love that you're in a band and that you have dreams for yourself. And I feel as if I hold you back when I get sad that you're leaving. I'm sorry for that. It gets easier for me to know that you'll come back. And that you have fun doing what you do. I don't mean to oppose that. I am truly sorry for that. I understand that we have to be far away at time but, we don't need to be distant emotionally.

I don't want you to be anyone else's, I don't want to be anyone's.

If you're not anyone's or even mine I wouldn't be okay with that. 

We talked about everything and ever since you been on tour we've been fighting a lot and I know it's mostly my fault. And I just want you to that I still love you. No matter what has happened in the past that has been bad that has led us to ugly fights. I can still talk to you about anything. I used to make you forget the bad things, but then I forgot how to do that when I started to make the bad things worse. I hope you can let me try to do that again.. 

I am not going to waste almost 9 months out of this whole year I've known the long hair boy who was shy as heck go to waste when we have so many many more years and memories to go.

I know this isn't a persuasive letter or anything to make you stay but, I just wanted to let this all out to you before you come over. And talk to me about things. I know I shouldn't think this but, 

And I honestly will be broken if you'd leave. I wouldn't look at you the same anymore. You'd be a totally different person if I saw you walk right out my door saying you're sorry and have me not knowing what else to do but cry over you.

But, just know that I love you. And ONLY you.

It's always been only you. And I need you more than ever.

When you do. I'm just a walk away to the play ground hoping you'll meet me there to be with me.

"And I can feel your love, your strength is all I will ever need."

This is long, I'm not sorry I'm a sucker for love.

Or for loving you as much as I do.

My day.

"I'm sad."' is an overly used saying in my book. I tend to not control how negative I feel and I often take it out on my boyfriend. Which makes the situation ten times worse especially when it leads to fighting. Ugh, I honestly think I need help or something. But, yet I can just solve it by someone making me laugh or a walk to the park. I seriously need to go to the doctor it's been going on for about more than a year and almost 6 months now.

ANYWAYS~

Today's show was supposed to be fun. But, due to Luis's crappy phone company, he never got my texts so my little surprise (In which I was going to surprise him by showing up to the show even though I said I wasn't going) went horrible because, right when I got there he tells me "My mom is on the way." 

I dig the bands but, under my condition I couldn't stand to be there practically alone. People were staring at me like I was wearing a hat that says "LOOK AT THIS DERP" (By the way I testing out my old high waisted shorts and they make my butt look weird so, NEVER again, phahaha.) and I couldn't stand the big guy next to me giving me this stare and constantly asking me "Are you okay?" whenever he'd bump into me by accident. 

His facial expression

So I rode the bus downtown and found my bus home.

I love staring outside of windows when ever I am listening to music. It makes it seem like I'm in a music video literally.

And also I am fed up with my social accounts for example:

Facebook: I have over 3k + and subscribers. What the hell are they going to subscribe to a 16 year old for?

I don't post those "Like this IF" photos or the wanna be peda commercial stuff like how is a like on  Facebook going to feed a baby from Africa?! (Not deliberately saying people from Africa are from peda but, ya catch my drift.)

Twitter: Well I wanted to delete some tweets that needed to go. Too many to count anyways.

Tumblr: I need some time away from that forsure, and plus I can't REALLY blog about my life and such on there.

It's getting too ridiculous. And so, I deleted all my accounts. 

So here I am on the only social website (Besides Youtube) at 2:54 am. In bed with Kip.

He just fell asleep in the cutest position on my bed. c':

Op. I need sleep.

Z_z

Ohai.

Well, I'm kind of new to this so, spare me who ever will read this. I don't really talk about my life on any other social networks anymore because, due to the fact well people just do not care. (I sound like a attention seeking 13 year old) Well this year so far has been pretty hectic. First of all turning 16 was nothing special, WORST EVER. Second finally becoming a junior was nothing special either, thank based god I only need two more years of this hell whole I call of a high school. '-'

Oh yeah I FINALLY have my own pet, his name is Kip, he was given to me by my boyfriend who generously got him for me from a friend. c':

 Summer of 12' seemed pretty damn exciting but so far, all I been doing is staying home and if I'm not seeing Luis I'm pretty much stuck on my bed all day with Kip. It's like all of my friends are too bust with their own lfies while I just sit here with mine. Atleast I'm talking about it with the internet right?
Oh and jobs are SO HARD to get, I thought wrong when I was thinking I could get one right when I turn 16, I applied for Pizza Hut, Wal Mart, Mcdonalds (Twice) and Zumiez so far. (Zumiez would be pretty bad ass to work at.) But, yet no phone calls back sadly. ;~;
A friend told me to not stop trying so, I'll just take that in consideration.

For my first blog post I think I did pretty good phaha, I'm going to use this daily now :)